I carried a grudge for seven years. Seven years. Against a family member who had said something deeply hurtful at a gathering in Dibrugarh. I replayed that conversation hundreds of times. I composed responses I never delivered. I let it colour every interaction we had afterward.
Then one day, during a meditation retreat, I realised something: the person had probably forgotten the entire incident. And I had spent seven years poisoning myself, waiting for them to feel the effects.
That is what unforgiveness does. You hold the burning coal. They walk away.
What forgiveness is not
Let me be clear about something, because this is where most people get stuck.
Forgiveness is not weakness. It is not pretending the hurt did not happen. It is not excusing harmful behaviour. It is not reconciling with the person who hurt you. You can forgive someone and still maintain firm boundaries.
Forgiveness is the decision to release the emotional charge attached to a past event so that it stops controlling your present. That is it. It is not about them. It is about you reclaiming your peace.
What holding on costs you
The research is clear. Chronic resentment and anger:
- Flood your body with cortisol and stress hormones
- Suppress your immune system
- Raise blood pressure
- Destroy sleep quality
- Feed depression and anxiety
- Accelerate cellular ageing
Meanwhile, the person you refuse to forgive may be sleeping soundly, living their life, completely unaffected by your resentment. You are carrying the weight of their actions. They are not.
A process that works
Step 1: Be Honest About the Pain
Forgiveness does not begin with pretending you are fine. It begins with honest acknowledgment. “I was hurt. This was wrong. My pain is real.” If you skip this step, you get suppression, not forgiveness.
Step 2: Count the Cost
Ask yourself honestly: what has holding onto this cost me? Peace? Sleep? Relationships? Health? Your relationship with other family members? When you see the price clearly, the motivation to release becomes stronger.
Step 3: Decide
Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. You will not feel like forgiving. The resentment will argue that it is justified. Decide anyway. The feelings follow the decision, not the other way around.
Step 4: Use a Practice
Ho’oponopono has been the most effective forgiveness tool in my experience. Direct the four phrases — “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” — toward the person or situation. Repeat daily until the emotional charge dissolves. It will. Not instantly, but it will.
Compassion meditation also works. Visualise the person who hurt you. Silently wish them well. This is not about them deserving it. It is about freeing yourself.
Step 5: Forgive Yourself
This is often the hardest part. You carry guilt, shame, regret for your own past actions. Apply the same process to yourself. You did the best you could with the awareness you had at the time. You know more now. That is enough.
It takes repetition
Forgiveness is rarely a single event. The resentment will resurface. The memory will sting again. Each time, gently return to the practice. Each repetition weakens the grip of the past. It does not get stronger with time. You do.
My students at Dibrugarh often tell me that forgiveness practice is the single most transformative part of their spiritual journey. More powerful than any meditation technique. More freeing than any philosophy.
One thing you can do now
Think of one person. One situation. Something you are still carrying.
Do not try to forgive completely right now. Just become willing. Say to yourself: “I am willing to release this.” That willingness is the seed. Everything else grows from it.
For related practices, read Ho’oponopono as Daily Practice and Inner Peace Through Advaita Vedanta.
